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Sunday, June 22, 2003

The safety of failure is something which has been a hallmark of my activities as far back as I can remember. It amazes me that I avoid activities I find, in the least, meaningful at almost any cost - the potential for greatness apparently being something I am willing to live with, but active failure not. Every time an activity becomes the least bit important to me, and that glimmer of hope of breaching the upper echelons of the field enters my mind, I know it cannot be. This is not limited to activities which one might traditionally believe to be important - writing, for example, is something I only do anonymously, over the internet, as a hobby becuase it strikes too close for me to ever chance even letting people read the more frivilous pieces I have written. I have tens of thousands of words written across the great page of posterity, yet before me the alter of publicity upon which I am unwilling, as Abraham, to present a first born - my Isaac, as it were.

The activity might be something as simple as a computer game. The moment I understand the path ahead of me, it becomes something unbearable, something I cannot undertake because a poor footfall may breach the ground and send me headlong into failure. It is only when I am expected to be bad at something, and truly am talentless in a given area, that I feel truly comfortable. This has been the defining principle of my life - relationships entered in to only because I no longer have a choice in my mind, things I either have only talent or no talent for allowed to enter in to the mainstream of my thought or activity.

I wonder at times whether this is a healthy practice, whether I should ever really take a chance at anything, and I realize that even this consideration borders on the unthinkable - if I cannot take the step of handing over a piece of thought to an audience I may have to face again, except when being derisive, how can I undertake the arduous task of unbuilding a facade, not wrecking, but carefully, brick by self-important brick, deconstructing that which has been the cornerstone of most decisions I have ever made?

It's agonizing.

cranked out at 12:31 PM | |

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