The activity might be something as simple as a computer game. The moment I understand the path ahead of me, it becomes something unbearable, something I cannot undertake because a poor footfall may breach the ground and send me headlong into failure. It is only when I am expected to be bad at something, and truly am talentless in a given area, that I feel truly comfortable. This has been the defining principle of my life - relationships entered in to only because I no longer have a choice in my mind, things I either have only talent or no talent for allowed to enter in to the mainstream of my thought or activity.
I wonder at times whether this is a healthy practice, whether I should ever really take a chance at anything, and I realize that even this consideration borders on the unthinkable - if I cannot take the step of handing over a piece of thought to an audience I may have to face again, except when being derisive, how can I undertake the arduous task of unbuilding a facade, not wrecking, but carefully, brick by self-important brick, deconstructing that which has been the cornerstone of most decisions I have ever made?
cranked out at 12:31 PM | |
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