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Tuesday, July 22, 2003

1. Full Name: Gregory Bilaal Faruq James Masteson Arthur. Really.
2. Nick Names: When I play "dressup," they call me Smoove Bea.
3. B'day: July 15, 1983. Today is my birthday. And I am filling this out. My life? A sham.
4. Siblings: Sister, Katherine. Brother, Alex. But not in a catholicish religious sense. Or the way black people say "brother."
5. B/F, G/F: Is the slash really necessary? I mean, it's clearly an acronym (...for single words?). Also - this is a fucking form, why can they not spell it out? I refuse to answer this question in protest.
6. Who Do You Have A Crush On: That hobo I hit while drunk driving through NW. I crushed HIM good. Him and his change bucket.
7. Been In Love: Been in an NCAA pool, from which I won money. And I love money. So I'll go with "Yes."
8. Best Friends: Whiskey and firearms. And spurs. Which is to say, fuck you.
9. Screen Name: "NEC MultiSync 75" is what it says. But it will always be Gertrude to me.
10.Where Do U Live: Alright, seriously. What fucking six year old wrote this survey such that they can't type "You." It's two more letters. A Y. and an O.
11.Birth Place: Sixth, though in fairness I was coming off a very recent injury, otherwise I would have probably taken the bronze.
12.What Do U Look Like: Like I'm about to punch the fucking moron who wrote this.

1. Beeper Number: Beeper number? What kind of 80's crack dealer survey is this? Who has a beeper?
2. Fav Salad dressing: A bacon cheeseburger.
3. Have you ever gone Skinny-Dipping: Not intentionally. I fell off a boat once and had to wrestle with a shar... oh, no, wait, that was "Jaws." Uhhh... no.
4. Fav Movie: Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land. If you ever want to see genuis on screen, one need look no further than this masterpiece.
5. Fav Book: "Jimmy Woods guide to spelling and punctuation," becuase it's possible that, one day, whoever authored this bloody thing will read it.
6. Fav Type of Music: That kind where there's all these notes and shit.
7. Fav Song: I think this is pretty obvious, but: Dirrty, by Christina Aguilera. Or Dvorak. They're practically the same, though, roofles.
8. Fav Car: Anything which runs over that bitch Diane Lane.
9. Fav Saying: "WTFACE?" "STFACE!" "OMFACE!"
10.Fav Fast Food: I thought that fasting meant you didn't eat anything?.
11.Fav Ice Cream: Ice Cream is the devil.
12.Fav Soda: Rum.
13.Fav Holiday: ARMISTICE DAY.
14.Fav Food: Gristle.
15.Fav TV Show: The "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials. Not the tapes themselves, mind you, but the commercials, because they remind me that, somewhere, someone is still dumb enough to take beads for their dignity. I had thought everyone THAT stupid was running casinos on reservations still...
16.Fav Radio Station: Nattie P Izzar. (It's what the cool kids call it - Word up to my boy Kojo and TIzzalk of the nizzation, w00t!)
17.Fav Junk Food: Maybe it wouldn't be so bad for you if people didn't go around calling it "Junk" all the time. Elitist fucks.
18.Fav Candy: Kahlua.
19.Fav Color(s): Fucking racist.
20. Fave shoes: Alright, so it goes 19 questions without the ability to put "favorite" but suddenly we hit fucking 20 and they add an "e" just to taunt me? Goddamnit.
22.Fav Smell: Victory.
23.Fav Brand of Gum: A little too "Hollywood" at the point where brand loyalty to body parts starts playing in...
24.Fav Animal: Anything which can be deep fried. There's a place for all God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes.
25.Fav Place to Sleep: Alcoholic haze.
26.Fav Things to do in the Summer: It goes without saying. 55 down..

SECTION 3: Have you ever...
1. Caused a Car Accident: Can we, mere humans, ever REALLY cause anything? Philosophy apparently doesn't mix well with insurance claims :/
3. Done Drugs: I don't get this phrase. It's like asking, "Done chicken?" Consumption is an activity, the thing consumed is not.
4. Ran Away from Home: In fairness, it was on fire.
5. Hit a Girl: It was self defense. I was home at seven, dinner was not on the table...
6. Hit a Guy: I'm a dandy. I can only prey on people weaker than me.
7. Stolen Anything: I liberated it from the bourgois capitalists.
8. Broken Anything: A sternum. not mine. I wish I were kidding :/
9. Been in Hospital: No, I was born in a barn in Nebraska o_O
10.Had a Near death Experience: The Ikea Incident.
11.Cheated on Anyone: I snuck the cliffs notes in to bed once. x_O
12.Been Cheated On: Oh dear god yes.
13.Been Attacked by a Big Dog: It was mostly the steaks my parents had tied around my neck he was getting at, so I forgive him.

SECTION 5: What is....
1. Love: A joke at best and a hallucination at worst.
2. The Thing that makes you the Happiest: Online surveys! Oh man, these things are like a KOALA crapped a RAINBOW in my BRAIN!
3. The Best Thing that has Ever Happened to You: Being born?
4. Your Fav Slow Song: "Lose yourself" by Eminem.
5. The Grossest Thing you've ever Eaten: I don't know if you noticed the above blurb about cocaine, but let me tell you, there are only two ways to pay and I was short on cash one time...

9. The Scariest Thing that Ever Happened to You: Getting shot during a bank robbery :/
10.The Best Number in the World: Pi, obviously.
11.A Memory you miss the Most: If I have the memory.... how can I miss it?
12.The Saddest Memory of Last year: Realizing I spent 15 minutes on an online survey, and then knowing I'll spend another 15 before this is over.

SECTION 6: What Do you Think About...
1. Abortion: Baby soup for the soul.
2. Gays and Lesbians: Gays, whatever, Lesbians? Mmmm... Lesbians....
3. Love: Already used this question.
4. Death: I don't THINK about death, I PRAY for death.

SECTION 8: General Questions

1. Do you ever Save Chat Conversations: I save all conversations. Blackmail: 1, tact: 0.
2. Do you save Emails: Once this one was having a really hard time, delivering itself to whoever had an IP address. I took it in to my home, got it some rehab. I like to believe I saved at least one e-mail.
3. Do you Save Poems people sent : "LIFE IS DARK/THE BEAST LEAVES A MARK/LIFE IS PAIN/SHEEP ARE MY BAIN" doesn't count as poetry, Gothie McGothsalot.
4. How many People are on your Buddy List: 199.
5. When are you Usually Online: All the time. There's this thing. It's called "Cable."
6. Do you like Motorcycles: Umm, sure?
7. What are your Fav Stores: Best Buy, until I failed a phone interview with them.
8. Are you a Playa: Am I a beach? Is this some sort of crosslingual play on words calling me a bitch? Oh yea? Well fuck you, too, ugly.
9. When do you go to Sleep: 6 AM on average.
10.Do you Sleep with a Nightlight: The computer screen.
11.Whats underneath you Bed: North Korea, ostensibly.
12.What do you Wear to Bed: One black sock.
13.Do you Sleep with a Stuffed Animal: Used to, but it turns out it was actually a bag of black tar heroin and it got captured by the goddamn Armenian mafia.
14.Is your Bed Made: As opposed to being a hypothetical bed?
15.What do you think of Ouika Boards: I believe that invisible spirits have nothing better to do than impart eternal wisdom on teenagers, like "Does Brad want to make out with me?"
17.Do you type with your Fingers on the right keys: rieuty sggsdhiusdy 09
18.Whats on the Walls In Your Room: Paint, mostly.
19.Do you type without looking: Yes, I gouge my eyes out every time I need to type.
20.Do you eat Chicken with a fork or with your fingers: You mean you can eat it, too?
21.When was the Last time you took a Shower: During the depression years, when candy bars cost a nickel.
22.If you were to get something Pierced, where would you get it pierced?: Kidney, to end the pain of this survey.
24.Any Tattoos: Just those crazy Russian lesbians.

cranked out at 10:23 PM | |

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