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Saturday, August 02, 2003

The APDA board, in an ever more frantic effort to be able to claim usefullness, recently (a year or two ago I guess) instituted a program whereby the board would appoint several Equal Opportunity Facilitators (EOFs, no, not the programming kind) who essentially act as PR agents when, inevitably, someone's feelings get hurt. I recently applied for this position. Here is how it went:

Name: Arthur, Gregory J
Sex: M
Age: 20
University: University of Maryland, College Park
Expected Date of Graduation: Whoaaaaa, there, partner. Graduate? I just got here. I guess I'm aiming for sometime around 2010. I'm in no hurry.
How many tournaments do you plan on attending this debate season: At least seventy. I plan on organizing and holding debate tournaments in my bathtub on spare nights, and dreaming exclusively about debate in the year to come.
Years in Debate: None, yet, but I'm hoping to make up for lost time this season!

Please list any experience you have in peer mediation/counseling.
This one time I was in a bar, and this lesbian was like, "You can not cook food on a Harley" and some fat guy was all, "You can so, my cousin did it when he was on the road this past year!" and the chick took out a five dollar bill and started rolling it up to use as a toothpick, and I was like, "Hey! No! Slow down now, or someone might get hurt!" So to answer the question, none.

Please list any previous offices held on your debate team or debate-related organizations.
I held the president when he was drunk on a metro ride, and have slept with every officer on our team, in many cases on multiple occaisions.

Please list any personal qualities or other factors that you want considered in the selection process.
Inasmuch as a majority of the sexism and racism on the circuit this year will, I expect, comesfrom my team in general, and myself in specific, it seems as if making me an EOF and simply removing that chunk would be about as much as you could ever rationally expect this program to accomplish.

Please answer three of the following (Number one is mandatory):

1. What do you see as the role of an EOF on APDA? How are you best able to fulfill that role? Why do you want to fill this role?*
I see the role of the EOF as a good resume line. I can fulfill that role by placing "2003-2004 EOF, APDA Inc." directly under the accomplishments section on mine. I want this role to be filled because it means I can appear diverse and concerned without going to the effort of being either.

2. Describe a situation in which you empowered an individual to deal with a difficult time in his/her life.
My friend Mary was going through an extraordinarily difficult time - her parents were fighting a lot, her boyfriend had recently left her. I turned her on to a little thing I like to call binge drinking. I think I saved at least one delicate soul that day.

3. Is discrimination a problem on the circuit? If so, how would you deal with it?
Does discrimination exist on the circuit? Most likely. Is it a problem?... well, I'm a white male. So I'll check "no."

4. Give a situation, real or fictional, of harassment. Describe how you would deal with this problem.
Alright, so I was at this party one time, and this guy who I'm pretty sure is gay comes up and starts getting all friendly, so I'm like "Yo, check yourself before you wreck yourself." And he gets all offended. I would deal with this situation by him buying me a drink and making him pay for dinner before I "find Jesus."

5. Have you ever felt discriminated against? How did you deal with this problem? What lessons did you learn from that experience which would help you as an Equal Opportunity Facilitator?
This one time I was in Chipotle and I was trying to order a burrito, but the lady just wouldn't fuckin' listen and she was talking her salsatalk or whatever them people speak, gibbering away about "SAL-ASA!" and I was like, "Hey. HEY. Alright, listen. BU-RI-TO!" and she just kept getting mad. I learned that people are jerks, and that damn woman needs to learn to get me a burrito.

cranked out at 5:18 AM | |

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