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Sunday, September 21, 2003

I found this list of "The Ten Commandments for Women" on Jen's blog, and I thought it was interesting:

1. Since most women do not know themselves they should try to do so.
This of course means "Biblically." If women had more orgasms on their own, and/or were more knowledgable about the methodology involved in the production of orgasms, they wouldn't complain so much about men's lack of sexual prowess. Not that people complain about me. Not that... oh fuck it.

2. A woman who buys an expensive dress and changes it, often with disastrous result, is extravagant and foolish.
Indeed. She should clearly have either shoplifted it, or gotten a man to buy it for her.

3. Most women (and men) are color-blind. They should ask for suggestions.
"No, Mary, I suggest to you that the apple is blue."

4. Remember-twenty percent of women have inferiority complexes. Seventy percent have illusions.
You'll notice how this only adds up to ninety percent. This is because they had a woman do the math.

5. Ninety percent are afraid of being conspicuous, and of what people will say. So they buy a gray suit. They should dare to be different.
I'm confused - ninety percent of women wear gray suits? I'm at least ninety percent sure that they took this survey in a prison.

6. Women should listen and ask for competent criticism and advice.
Twenty percent of women ask for cpmpetant criticism and advice. These are the same women who previously were noted as having "inferiority complexes." Seventy percent of women ask for criticism and advice... from lepruchauns. These were the ones who had "illusions."

7. They should choose their clothes alone or in the company of a man.
"They should choose what they wear either alone, or with company." Wouldn't it be easier to say, "women should not get clothes in the company of women"? Or does that mean you can't shop at stores with women clerks? Maybe it means that women should only buy clothes at porn shops?

Now that's a policy I can get behind.

8. They should never shop with another woman, who sometimes consciously or unconsciously, is apt to be jealous.
A restatement of seven. All women are consciously, or unconsciously, apt to be jealous on some level. Unless you are a beast, in which case nobody will go shopping with you anyway, you ugly, horrible person. Anyway, the moral of this commandment is that voluntary facial mutilation: good.

9. She should buy little and only of the best or cheapest.
She should only buy the cheapest or the most expensive? So combat fatigues: check. Versachi: Check. Anything else? Breaking this 'commandment.'

10. Never fit a dress to the body, but train the body to fit the dress.
... never buy your size, but instead aquire an eating disorder! Wheee!

11. A woman should buy mostly in one place where she is known and respected, and not rush around trying every new fad.
Woman: "I was going to buy pills to treat my bone cancer, but can't, since I only shop at Burger King."

12. And she should pay her bills.
As opposed to racking up massive debt?

You'll also note that the "ten commandments" actually have twelve points. This is also a result of #4. Feminists are nuts.

cranked out at 6:33 PM | |

 
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