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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I'm curious exactly where they find the "guys" who comment in Cosmo*. The only concievable answer I've come up with is that there is some mystic cult of "male" writers out there who do nothing but consider in the most vague and esoteric terms what a guy could, hypothetically, think about sex and dating if he had a severe concussion, and believed he was a woman. The alternative is, naturally, that it's women writing for these things.

They always give these three-page spreads about "how to get your man in the mood." If you are a female above the age of twelve, you should know this. It's very simple. It's comically simple in most cases. I can't imagine that any remotely attractive woman ever reads some Cosmo article, and goes "Hey! How about that! If I wear transparent lingerie, my guy will be turned on! Jesus christ, why did I not come up with this before?" Cosmo, of course, has their bases covered; most ugly women will never end up with a guy who has standards, anyway, so this sort of thing is just superfluous.

The sort of tips they give which they admit are from women aren't any better. They're almost inevitably variations on the same "make it more exciting!" theme, which are either overly vague to where they may as well not be printing anything, or are the same rehashed male fantasies that they've become unexciting, if only by their dissemination through sitcoms and their bretheren. Generally, though, they take this sort of thing and build up a step-by-step guide which makes it more complex than assembling nuclear weapons from an egg carton and a box of Cap'n Crunch, so it's not "Give him a backrub," it's "SET THE MOOD WITH SEVEN CANDLES, ARRANGED AROUND THE ROOM SO THAT CONNECTING THE POINTS PRODUCES AN OBLONG SEPTAGON, WITH THE ANGLE SUBTENDING THE ARC OF THE INSCRIBED CIRCLE CENTERED AT B...."

It's no wonder women are crazy with all this crap messing up their heads. One day, they're going to figure out one of two things (or possibly both):
1) Guys are more complex than most people think, but not about the things people seem to have trouble with. When it comes to certain things, we really are that simple.
2) Women really seem to just want women, with male equipment. They will eventually realize this, and then one gender will go extinct.

* = Yes, I read cosmo. But I only did it after reading all of the content on, while waiting for hamburger to thaw so I can consume bloody red meat while watching football. So my credentials as "borderline straight male" are intact.

cranked out at 5:39 PM | |

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