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Tuesday, October 28, 2003

There's a certain amount of of inventory people should really do with their lives, counting their blessings and all that. If you don't sort of do a reality check every now and again, there's always the unfortunate consequence of interacting with the world in a way the world disagrees with. This leads to apathy, boredom, and in some tragic cases, poetry. I've already begun to compose haikus. This strikes me as a warning sign.

See, the thing is, I'm pretty sure a year ago I had some direction to my life. Somewhere things were going, even if I wasn't certain where. I always felt as if I could rely on my ability to get me through, and deep down harbored the misguided belief that talent would be recognized and rewarded by the institutions that be regardless of whether or not I forced the issue. As it turns out, I don't have much ability at anything except those things I regard as pointless and time wasting. The irony of it all is that the things I can really say I excel at are things which I don't give a damn about, and the activities I find important are ones where I rate as decidedly unremarkable. If I were a less cynical man, I would conclude that this is god fucking with me, but as it stands, I'm pretty determined to leave god out of it.

A year ago I didn't drink. Two years ago I considered the decision to be one carrying moral weight. I was a real moron. I think it's funny how self-righteous I used to be, and how completely I've lost that sort of fervor. The more educated I become, the fewer definite positions I find myself holding. The more viewpoints I consider, the more it seems as if the clear demarcation which previously established itself in my mind between each issue, framed as a neverending series of polar dichotomies, was a sham. It's never one thing against another. The more you consider any issue, the more you start to see that every side of the issue relies on the same fundamentals, and consists of nothing so much as different wording.

Six months ago, I had a girlfriend. Three months ago, more than anything, I wanted a girlfriend. Now the idea bores me. A majority of the gender is either batshit crazy or too monochromatic to be, the question just becomes which type you want. Nobody sane is worthwhile, but most of the ones who are anything except dull and lifeless have been so assaulted by god knows what in life to make them defensive, falsely modest, and unable to really accept what and who they are. There's a sort of quality certain people possess which allows you to just know that they're not ordinary. There's no test for it, there's no learning it, it's just there. It's always in the intangibles. Blonde hair, blue eyes, size three, and a misty, innocent quality which can't really be replicated except laterally, by descriptive analogies which don't seem to go anywhere. Not enough personal ads wax metaphysical, is the real issue.

A lifetime ago, I had dreams I wasn't afraid to fight for. Now I'm embarassed to even say such cliched things, which are typically uttered by people who think that any cause is worth fighting for becuase it allows you to seize the moral high ground. The world has progressed beyond dreams and fantasies about a better world, or one where an idea can sweep through a people, and into an age where everyone seems happy enough to briefly entertain a thought for an hour or so over dinner, and consider themselves an intellectual for doing it. This isn't a climate which will grow the next intellectual giant of our age, it's one which will grind out a thousand mediocre minds, all of whom will be happy to accept their part in the greater scheme of perpetuating the norm.

cranked out at 2:32 AM | |

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