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Thursday, November 06, 2003

Matrix: Revolutions spoilers like whoa. Don't read if you care. Trust me, you should read it. It might ruin it for you, and then you would not go see it.

The Matrix was a very, very good movie. It was shot in such a way that the cinematics of the movie matched the overall somber tone it was trying to convey, and had to convey. It was really one of the best movies of the past decade, and I don't care how much of a bandwagon jumper that makes me. The Matrix: Reloaded was not good. It was interesting at parts, and the first time the Architect had his diadactic way, it went by quickly enough that I was able to read meaning into what he actually said. It made me believe that they would end the movie with a nested matrix. It made me believe that, possibly, all the "humans" were actually machines or AI which were kept in the matrix reality to keep them subserviant to men. It made me think.

The Matrix: Revolutions did not make me think. I know this, becuase every time something approaching a thought surfaced, it made me vomit, something the people in the theater did not appreciate in the least. It was one big fuckfest of explosions and CG shit, with interspersed dialogue... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So let's start from somewhere. How about the beginning? It turns out Neo is stuck, by wireless internet, to a place between the real world and the matrix. See, it turns out that stopping sentinals with your mind causes you to get knocked into a random computer node. It gets better. Remember all those theories about how Neo was actually a computer, and all the neat shit about how his ability in the real world to stop machines with telekinesis was probably linked to a larger puzzle? It wasn't. He's just telekinetic. Also, psychic. Also, able to see with his mind. But only programming. Yes, that really is what they are telling us.

Predictably, he's saved from his little dream world by Morpheus and Trinity, who, in order to save him, have to go to a BDSM party. I wish I were making this up, too. They actually have another pointless orgy scene in this movie (the cave-rave of Reloaded wasn't enough aribtrary groping for a respectable trilogy. They have to live up to the scene in Return of the Jedi where the Ewoks mollest C3P0, right?) which ends with Persephone (back with the Merovingian, without comment) in a dress way, way too small for her. Trinitiy beats up a roomfull of bodyguards and threatens the Merovingian, who apparently went batshit retarded in the course of nine seconds and forgot that Trinity still had objectives to achieve which would not be accomplished by shooting him.

He's brought back into the real world, lots of shooting of sentinals is accomplished, the EMPing of a bunch of sentinals is accomplished, and Neo decides to just drive up to the machine "city" slash headquarters and talk to the chief AI. He and Trinity go and crash into the city (during the drive there, they actually break through the clouds and have an utterly Star Wars/ETesque moment of "OMFACE, IT R TEH BEAUTIFUL!" and then come smashing down) where Trinity dies. But she doesn't just, die. That would make too much goddamn sense given that she's impaled on no fewer than seven two-inch-thick rods of steel. Instead she makes a speech about how much she loves Neo, and blahblahblah. It's the most cliched dialogue I have ever heard. I mean, much of this movie will be parodied or copied in the future. But these lines. They'll stand alone forever, unassailable for being so horrid.

"Remember when I fell off a building? Well, I wished I could get another chance with you. And you granted my wish. Now for my second wish..."

In the end, Neo cuts a deal with big bad machine that he'll kill Smith, if the machine will agree to a ceasefire. Neo gets assimilated by Smith, which ends the cycle and Smith has his earplug back and all his copies get blowed up. Thank the lord. They then have a lot of celebration and Morpheus walking around just screaming, "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO. HOLY SHIT YOU OWE ME SO MUCH GODDAMN ASS KISSING. RED PILL MOTHAFUCKAAAAA."

The resolution is, of course, that the Matrix is restored (something they portray as utterly joyful) and Zion is allowed to keep on being Zion (except for the part, of course, where it's now completely fucked up, without any ships, and with most of their defenses completely zapped). Everyone is happy (except Neo, who's dead, and Trinity, who is also dead.).

Oh, wait, I almost forgot to mention the catch.

Everyone is still enslaved in the matrix!!!

We just get back to the original part of the first movie, where humanity is being used by the machines for power. Oh, except now Neo is dead and in dying helped cement the future of the Matrix, which would have been destroyed if he hadn't, and humans are at a much greater disadvantage. They're still living underground, eating the "single celled proteins" of the first movie (note: Proteins have cells?), having nothing but dirty, bracket-clicking Zion sex. So really the only difference is the people in Zion don't have to worry about the machines coming and killing them. In other words, Neo and the Zionists sold out the vast majority of humanity for their own temporary safety. Wachowski, table of self-hating Jew?

They never resolve anything, except by murdering all of the primary actors. Given, they do it in a dramatic way, but can I get an "Umm?" This movie gets a swift kick in the face for making me sit there for two hours for no resolution to any of the pertainant questions. The worst part is I know I'll have to hear about how great it was for the next three months. Oh, well. Drinking will help.

cranked out at 10:47 PM | |

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