Chicken and/or Waffles

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Metrosexual term coiner apologizes.

I have a secret.

I hate "metrosexual" as a word. A lot. I mean like the level on which I would hate the lovechild of Carson Daly and Britany Spears, after he grew up and became a Republican presidential candidate named "George."

I am unrepentantly against this term in all of its uses, for a few reasons. It's unmistakably an attempt to cash in wholesale on the stereotype of homosexual men as flamboyant, while betraying the fundimental fear many men have of being termed "gay." The fact that people are so quick to buy in to this stereotype is just sad. People have found a way to essentially change a few of the letters in a word to make what would typically be considered an offensive slur into a media-accepted term. If a reporter or paper started calling people who were accountants and lawyers "whyke" it would lead to an instant slew of firings and apologies, but becuase it's playing on the stereotypes of a group like gays and not Jews, it's considered an acceptable play.

Beyond this, it just shows that people aren't comfortable with their sexuality. This past weekend, I was called "fag" for wearing a turtleneck sweater by a gay man. I took this to be a compliment. Now, maybe this is becuase I am a closeted homosexual, but more likely, it's becuase I'm not about to go questioning my sexuality. People who are so happy to wear the label are generally doing so because they actually do have a fear of being considered actually gay. The "-sexual" suffix is something which should not be applied in any case, because it doesn't have any meaning in the context of the term. Just generally, sexual preference is a choice which implies so much more than just whether or not a guy uses conditioner that it's a sleight to people who really have had issues with it, and continue to, to suggest that the whole thing can be reduced to how many showers you take in a regular week.

The people calling themselves this are another big problem I have with the whole thing. The offensiveness of the slang aside, most of the people who call themselves metrosexual just bloody aren't. Look, the fact that you think you look good in the reflection you catch in the window of your '94 Ford pickup that doesn't make you stylish. Many of the people who believe they have some sense of style, but still wear argyle vests in a non-kitsch, self-aware-nerd way, are the first to pretend that they're part of this "wave." They don't. 95% of guys do not understand the following:

a) Color coordination.
b) Stripes and plaid: No. Just no.
c) Unless you are at a funeral: wearing all black, also no. We understand that you think you're Alan Ginsberg, but you look like Eddie Munster, and you're not being paid to look like that. So stop it.
d) If you don't have enough money to have more than one pair of shoes, the pair you get should not clash with everything in your wardrobe.

I really wish people would stop applying terms to themself just becuase they think it makes them cool to do so. Every person who doesn't drool on themselves on a regular basis has hopped the bandwagon, and it's not okay.

The sooner "metrosexual" is out of our vocabulary, the better. The more guys who stop trying so goddamn hard to fit into a style class they just don't belong in, the better, so I can go back to shopping at the places I do and not having to watch some idiot kid take the last shirt that's my size, and wear it with his fucking parachute pants.

cranked out at 9:22 PM | |