Today, I finally had a masterstroke of inspiration which I believe could revolutionize religion in the United States, and create a better world. I concieved of an idea so breathtaking, so breakthrough in its sheer sythesis of the modern world and the old faith, that it clearly belonged in the annals of invention among the ninety-five thesis, and the nails which held Jesus to the chross.
Get this: Sugar coated and chocolate covered communion wafers.
I realize this is such a logical step in the evolution of the church that someone must have considered it, and patented it already. According to the US Patent Office, this is not the case. So I did what anyone who wrote the below post would do.
I went to file and patent it myself. I filled out many (one) of the forms, before I found something disturbing:
Sec. 1.16 National application filing fees.
This is unacceptable. This is an outrage. I would simply not stand for this.
Chanelling, I believe, one or more of the great religious leaders of our past, I went forth on a crusade. A crusade for the people. A crusade for the children, to save morality in our country.
I got ordained, and wrote to the Secretary of Commerce, asking for a religious exception. Just in case, I also wrote letters to both the Republican National Convention and Jerry Falwell asking for funding to file my patent. I only pray that these gentle souls give in to my request. In fact, I should hope that all three do, so I can have a free patent and $770 to buy liquor and nutmeg, like Malcom X got high on in prison.
cranked out at 11:19 PM | |
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