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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Shopping, the third attempt

When I woke up this morning, my initial impression was that I was in one of those horrible third world countries, and was having my liver stolen by organ thieves. After realizing that my liver hurt becuase of the previous night's activities, and not becuase of dirty, rotton theieves, I immediately came to the present question of why the fuck I was awake at nine. I ascertained the source of the awakening as my alarm, driving me to reel off obscenities at a reasonably high volume for a good seven minutes. After coming to grips with the fact that the alarm was both: a) inanimate, and hence not good at listening and b) set by me, I got around to the business at hand: waking the fuck up to go shopping with Sean. For the third time.

I picked him up late, and after a detour, we ended up right back where we had been before: Columbia mall. For those of you not familiar with said mall, it is hell. It's the most poorly laid out, angular piece of mall trash in the universe. On top of this, the type of people who frequent the establishment are typically those who I would love to hit, really hard, with a bat. If I were violent. Or angsty. Which I am not. The first thing we did (after stopping by a Starbucks) was to pick out a random "fragrance" for some random girl. I know it's called a fragrance becuase the sales lady, who helped us after a loooooong time said it eleven times a minute. She refused to use synonyms, and is, I swear to god, the most bitter person I've ever met. I think she has a PhD in physics or something, yet is forced by fate to work in a department store, and hence bitterly despises everyone.

We went about finding one by systematically spraying and smelling every single one along the sample line in the department store. This amounts to something like fifty different bottles. Just as we were about to start on a second set, we were turned on to an amazing invention called "paper strips," which they use so people can smell the perfumes without spraying them into the air, and quickly moving through them like morons. This is good, becuase by now I had inhaled about a gallon of the stuff, and I was constantly having to rub my nose and sniffle. I felt like a goddamn coke head.

Also, can I just say that whoever designs these bottles is criminally insane? They are the most contrived things I think I've ever seen. Christ, it's just there to hold and spray. If cleaning supply people ever got this messed up, you'd see Windex in a bottle shaped like a Koala bear eating a snake or something. It's possible that they spend too much time smelling their own product :/ How is it that this creative power isn't going to something more useful? Like little paper testing strips?

We left the department store and did exactly what you'd expect: went to look at candles. For those of you having trouble picturing this scene, two males walking around a mall, smelling heavily of a mixture of women's perfumes, and candle shopping together. I don't think I can ever really complain again about the vague questions regarding my sexuality again.

I then proceeded to get a new outfit (Last time, I bought a blue shirt with white stripes. This time I bought the exact same style of shirt, but white with blue stripes. I think it's fair to say I'm close to being cut.), we stopped in a few various places, then went to eat, where, for whatever reason, we ended up with free pizza.

Just so we're clear: I've now spent about a billion hours shopping, and bought exactly one person a present. Well, I mean, two if you count the presents I buy myself, but I file those under "necessities." I think it's just about time I stop kidding everyone and admit what we've known all along: I'm an agent of God.

cranked out at 6:16 PM | |

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