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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Bush Believes Risk

I've finally done it. I've cracked the insane code the administration is using to guide its actions. It's deceptively simple, and makes far too much sense when you start to consider it. George W. Bush and the current department of defense have been using, as the basis for their foreign policy, board games. You think I'm kidding? The evidence is overwhelming.


Fig I.1 - "Tom Ridge uses a Twister board with a few Sharpie marks to determine threat level"

I originally expected to abuse the FOIA to the fullest of my abilities, but then I go to the AP wire and it's staring right into my face: twister. Of course! There had to be a reason for the overly simplified color-coding favored by Tom Ridge. Naturally, I believe that every once in a while, the Joint Chiefs convene in a bunker in Wyoming, and spin the threat wheel. Then, if it calls for a threat change, a release is issued 'explaining' the alteration. Just as a sort of minigame, try to determine which of the following is the real story, and which is the totally fake, made up parody:
i) The top intelligence official at the Homeland Security Department, worried about an increased risk of attack in coming months, says al-Qaida wants to strike on U.S. soil with something other than a conventional explosive ? perhaps with a chemical or biological weapon.

ii) Tom Ridge has issued a security threat alert today, warning that in the coming months there is the strong possibility of terrorist attacks from al-Qaeda cell. The alert warns that terrorist groups may seek to disrupt the electoral process, and has put local emergency response crews on ready status.
Clearly, it's the first one. The second warning would be far too informative and predictive, whereas warning (i) makes no definite threats, and in actuality repeats something we already know - namely, that al-Qaeda doesn't like us, and would attack us if they could. It goes on to say that, if they had WMD, they would use those. This is a quaint departure from al-Qaeda's previous policy of only using conventional warfare.

The reason they issue these silly, vapid alerts is not becuase they want to keep people scared - no, it's because the Wheel o' Terror Alerts tells them that they have to every so often. That's not all.


Fig II.a - A SCUD missile launcher

Fig II.b - the pieces from the previous three iterations of Risktm

Now, take in the two. Notice anything? That's right, in Fig II.b, that little yellow chunk of plastic looks deceptively similar to the SCUD missile launcher, doesn't it? So much so that if, say, a dyslexic president were to lose the Middle East to Colin Powell in a board game, he might try to actually gain catharsis from attacking? The world may never know, though I clearly have my theories.

And finally,

Fig III.a - The Ouija Board

I think it's fairly obvious that the Ouija board left over by Elanor Roosevelt has figured prominently into not only the foreign policy of this administration, but also into the domestic and day-to-day matters at hand. In fact, I would go so far as to say that President Bush is actually reading his speeches directly from the board. Karl Rove has convinced the president that the ghost of Reagan is moving the piece. Think about it - it accounts for some of the difficulty in reading, the mispronunciations, and the completely batshit policies being created by the White House.

In conclusion, I hope I haven't shocked anyone, but the truth had to be said. Our whole country is being run by a series of board games. May God save us all.

cranked out at 12:00 AM | |

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