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Saturday, September 25, 2004

Kirk Cameron Sends Me to Hell

A very disturbing fact was related to me by ESPN.com: Kirk Cameron is helping out a website called "The Way of the Master." I assumed that this meant that the guy from Growing Pains was going to be in a kung fu movie. Normally I would guess that cultural sensitivity would prohibit this, but then, some people are evil and want to punish the world. So I went to the link, and a little animated Kirk came out and introduced me to the site and asked if I was a Christian. I answered no, and I hoped this was becuase Christians are faint hearted pansies and since I said no, this was where he did a donkey kick on a ninja or something, but instead someone started talking to me about God.

Then they start reviewing the Commandments and quizzing whether I was "innocent" or "guilty" of violating them. The first in the colloquey was, logically, the first commandment:
"You shall put no Gods before me."


I was forced to ponder a quandry here: Have I put any Gods before Him? I've put school, Krispy Kreme, alcohol, nachos and the Baltimore Ravens before him... but no other gods per se (I'm excluding Scalia and Ray Lewis here becuase I haven't put them before God, they just are before God. Let's face it, without the combined egos of Scalia and Ray Ray, the universe would spin off into space with nothing holding it at its center... much like the court and the Ravens' backfield). Also, it's not "you shall put me first," it's "you shall put no Gods before me." I was able to answer "no" to the first commandment on a technicality. Woohoo!

Judgement: Innocent

"You shall not make for yourself any idol."
Who is God to you? Is he only a god of love and mercy who would never judge anyone for anything unless they, like, stepped to him or fucked up his ride? If that's your god, then you're right. Your god couldn't cast anyone in hell becuase he doesn't exist... God calls it 'idolatry.' It's the oldest sin in the Book, and the Bible warns that idolaters will not inherit the kingdom of heaven."

I had a couple of problems here. If it's the oldest sin in the Book, why is it not the first commandment? I mean, the book was ostensibly written in chronological order here, so it's, at best, the second oldest sin in the book. And how can it be older than "original sin"? I mean, really, Kirk, you're messing with my head here.

The answer to my guilt or innocence on the matter is very plain: I don't really believe in anything. So no idols. God really needs to get better people to write his legislation.

Judgement: Innocent

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Normally, I'd have trouble with this except for the ambiguity with that comma. Is it that we ought to remember the Sabbath day AND to keep it holy? Or is it that we should Remember the Sabbath day IN ORDER to keep it holy? I went with the latter interpretation and came up with:

Judgement: Innocent

7. "You Shall not commit adultery."
Jesus warned, "You have heard... 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at woman to lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart" Have you ever looked at another person with lust?

Oh boy. Here's the one where I knew I was in trouble, and miniKirk would come admonish me and send me to the flames of hell. For a while, I didn't see a way to get around it. I clearly have lusted after people. But then I noticed something. A false beat in the specific language Jesus uses. I had to presume that God would count a man lusting after a man as adultery, so I discarded the gender pronouns. But he says something else: "whoever looks at a woman to lust for her." Gotcha, bitch! Jesus tells us that the looking has to be predicated on lust - that is, the looking and the lusting can coexist so long as you look at her prior to the lust. So I can check out a fine woman, just as long as I lust after her as a secondary effect. Prognosis?

Judgement: Innocent

"10. You shall not covet"
This means we should never desire anything that belongs to another person. Not their house, nor their car, nor their money, nor their wife, nor their lifestyle, nor anything that belongs to our neighbor.

This was another tricky one. If you read the text of the original commandment, it seems as if I'm guilty as (excuse the expression) hell. But then Kirk enlightens me: I'm not allowed to desire anything that belongs to another person. Corporate assets are okay! Just as long as I continue to covet ocean liners that exist as government property, or a porche which is a company car, I'm okay! Kirk wouldn't lie to me about the meaning of the commandment, would he? Becuase #9 says that would make him a Liar. And Kirk's not a liar, right?

(one other parenthetical: if you aren't to covet anyone's lifestyle, that would presuambly include wanting to be saved or wanting to live like Jesus, right? So coveting a WWJD bracelet would be like, double-penaltybox-overtime style sin.)

Judgement: Innocent

So I went through all ten commandments without even a single guilty! What do you have to say about that, you smug bastard?

"Who of us can say we are not guilty of breaking these Commandments?
This is what the Bible means when it says, "All have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God."


WHAT? I totally just went through your survey and came out clean as a whistle. If you can't live up, maybe YOU need to examine YOUR self rather than talking shit to ME about the glory of God.

Maybe you think that God is merciful and will forgive you for your sins? If there were a judge who let a rapist get away with his crime would you call him 'merciful'?


Yes. Free Kobe.

No.


Damn.

So that's what Kirk tells me. I was hoping for some serious, Growing Pains samurai style action, but instead learned that I am the only person in the world who is sin free. I kick ass, and I'm going to go eat some wings now.

cranked out at 8:25 PM | |

 
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