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Saturday, November 27, 2004

Alexander Is The Worst Movie Ever

What's amazing to me isn't so much that a terrible movie was made. That happens every day - like child pornography and fetal alcohol syndrome, it's a tragic byproduct of the social climate. What'a amazing is that they actually managed to turn a miscarriage into a feature length film. They took one of the most compelling storylines in the history of civilization, and made it into a homoerotic conspiracy theory.

I mean, the choice of actors alone was a little suspect. Colin Farrell, whose previous acting credits include Daredevil and a starring role as a guy who spends an entire movie in a phone booth, a guy who has his acting range tested by smiling for a picture, was cast as the lead. I'm not sure if the guy from Fast and the Furious was unavailable, but just writing "Alexander" on a plank and putting that on a horse would probably have led to more compelling dialogue. The way "emotional" and "motivating" speeches were read was painful. The scene where Alexander is riding up and down in front of his troops trying to get them up was a blatent ripoff of Braveheart (as were many things in this movie) and honestly, were I one of the troops in his army, I would have impaled myself on my spear for being dumb enough to follow this guy for more than fifteen minutes.

Cohesion was nowhere to be found in the entire film. The parts they did as voiceovers with a map (for example, the first two years of the campaign) made no sense given the parts they decided to actually film. Then at the end, just becuase Oliver Stone really wishes he could make JFK 2, they add some pointless plot twist where Ptolemy says they may have poisoned him. Then corrects it. It's stupid as hell.

They of course tried to fill many of the plot holes with a random half naked man who gazes longingly at Alexander a lot, but has little else to do with anything. I'm not certain if this is meant to be symbolic and annoying, or just annoying, but one thing's for sure: It succeeds admirably at the latter.

Rather than seeing this movie, go and imagine Alan Rickman sitting naked in a tub of tapioca save for a tricorner hat reading from Herodotus. It will be more entertaining.

cranked out at 7:49 PM | |

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