Today was a fucked up day.
The first thing that happened to me, after I stayed up until 7 AM finishing my Matlab code for my 498 final project, was that I recieved the following e-mail:
So already you know that the day is going to end with me drinking and verbally assaulting an Old Chinese man, though uncharacteristically not in that order.
After a quick assessment, this basically means I have to finish her part of the code while my other group members offer me sex as a thanks. I manage to do this in just under four hours, and speed to campus to try and get it turned in before they lock the building. I am able to do this. I decide that, after doing so much work in such a short period of time, I deserve alcohol so after a stop at home, I speed to the local liquer store. It is closed. I speed to a less local, though still somewhat nearby alcoholery. It is closing. I bang on the glass, and have the following exchange with a very old Chinese man.
Me: "Hey, are you open?"
Man: "Not open. Close at 11 weeknights."
Me: "How about... could you open?"
Man: "We close 11 weeknight."
Note that when he says this it's not exactly a closed question about whether or not it actually is past eleven. It's like the farce where it's, at best, 11:02, and the mother fucker isn't letting me drink. For most people, this would just be disappointing. For an alcoholic, it turns me into a rhino who's ready to gore this bastard.
Me: "Oh my lord, I'll be like five seconds, I promise."
Him: "We closed. Can't open register!"
Me: "I'LL PAY IN EXACT CHANGE, IT'LL BE LIKE TWO SECONDS."
Him, a little scared: "Okay, okay."
I walked in, got twelve Heineken and went to pay. It was $11.99. I gave him $12, and he opened the register and gave me a penny. At this point, I'm seriously considering committing a hate crime, but I find novelty int he fact that he didn't ID me so I just walk out, get in my car, and start to back up when another car pulls in next to mine. It's a black man. He gets out of the car, walks into the store getting no hastle whatsoever from Mr. Sparkle and seems to just be looking around. I feel like I've just been racially profiled, and decide to drive away.
Random things that are too small to deserve any sort of real mention outside of a paragraph, but I feel like recording for when I'm sober:
- People say "religion can be good - it's comforting, and I'm glad people take comfort in it" and it's accepted as basically a true statement. These people deserve nothing but ridicule and possibly to have their children kidnapped. How in the fuck is religion comforting? There's some guy watching over you and telling you to do things which, a lot of the time, are sort of sensical, but every now and then He throws in "don't eat the shrimp!" It's like some messed up game with Simon Says, except instead of being played with a homey yet cute camp instructor, it's being played with the almighty. If "thou shalt have no graven images" were "thou shalt put the lotion in the basket" it would be Silence of the Lambs. You can say a lot of bad things about religion, but that shit is scary.
- I've said this before, and I feel like I should feel bad for repeating myself, but USC fucking blows. If you beat up a bunch of bad teams, and get gifted games by Cal and Stanford, you don't get to be arrogant. Giving Leinart the Heisman? Why not just give LaVar Arrington a blowjob? It makes about as much sense. When you're the third best player on your team you don't get to be crowned best player in the league. East coast bias my ass.
- OKAY WE GET IT. YOU'RE GAY>
cranked out at 11:10 PM | |
|template © elementopia 2003|