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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Why I Hate Red Sox

I keep reading things on ESPN that say things like "Wow. Oh wow. The Red Sox finally won. Wow. This is tremendous, and the world has changed forever. This is the biggest event in the history of histories of historical history and wow." Not literally, since Bill Simmons is usually too busy pleasuring LeBron James to say anything more coherant than "Mrrrrphhhh Mrumphh" but you get the idea.

My real question is: why?

At the beginning of the season, the Red Sox were predicted to win the World Series, or at least the ALCS. They were the favorite. They had the strongest pitching rotation, and a pretty decent offense along with a strong defense. On the whole, they were the ones everyone was predicting to go all the way. And the story is they didn't screw up. It's got to be a slow news day when something expected is the big story. If the Cardinals had won, somehow it would still have been a "victory" for the Sox. I just don't understand the Boston sports fan pathos.

In any case, I've decided in honor of this "historic" victory to put together the official 2004 Red Sox Christmas Gift Basket:

Obvious: the world chamionship t-shirt, so you, too, can walk around and talk about how "wicked pissa" the games were. Or something.

Johnson's Baby Shampoo: NO MORE TEARS!

Vagisil: when the Red Sox Nation's collective vagina begins hurting again sometime next September when they either "don't get respect" or "choke huge again" and they go back to their pathetic victim complex.

Oregon trail: so when you get enough people on the bandwagon that an axel breaks, you'll know how to fix it! Also, there's a joke to be made here about chlymidia, but I'm not sure what.

James Brown Poster: Now that you've sold yours to beat the Yankees, maybe you can get some Soul from the Godfather himself.

cranked out at 8:26 PM | |

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