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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Million Dollar Suckfest

Million Dollar Baby was the winner of about sixteen different Oscars, including Best Picture (also known as "Most blatent attempt to fit a plot around emotional manipulative writing"). This, naturally, gave me pause - I had previously been holding off from seeing it, since I heard that Clint Eastwood cries in it. That's just embarassing. Then again, Arnold Swartz-I-wish-INS-Still-Americanized-Names cried and had a film about carrying a baby, and then became a governor. So I guess my point is that people are idoiots for electing him. But my other point is that I hate movies that use things like "X Actor/Actress typically doesn't do something, therefore, them doing it is automatically good." About Schmidt used Naked Kathy Bates to go with this principle, and I think they won things. But it doesn't make it a good idea. Carrot Top has never played a serious role: I don't think the star of "Chairman of the Board" would have been a good pick for Oskar Schindler. Likewise, Clint Eastwood crying is sort of just awkward. It's like when you're at a party and the normally cheerful girl that has bows on her backpack starts eating cake and talking about her eating disorder. You just sort of want to turn the music back on.

So I finally broke down and saw the movie. And I have to tell you - despite watching a copy that was stolen, I want my money back. I think the RIAA should start titling pirated copies of M$B as other movies. That way, people will think they're downloading "Deep Blue Sea," the classic about genetically altered supersharks and their love for Shaft, and instead they'll get the movie equivilent of a crossdresser. The thing that's so bad about Million Dollar Baby is that it clearly could have been a good movie. The first ninety minutes is great. He trains her, she faces adversity, then succeeds and so on. It could have ended with any number of formulas. It could have gone with classic adversity-overcome-for-victory. It could have ended with just straight defeat. It could have ended with the Aliens from Mars Attacks coming down and firing lasers at people. Any of these would have been better, and honestly, more relevant than the way they actually chose.

This is why the movie is like a crossdresser. At first, you look at "her," and she's wearing a tight dress. She looks hot. You start buying her drinks, talking to her, and all the while, you feel like something is wrong but whatever you're in your zone. So you go back and start hooking up and then, right when you're getting to the good part... PENIS. That's how I felt about this movie. Everything is going fine until the scene where (and god I hope I ruin the movie for people here) she breaks her neck. I think you can actually freeze the exact frame where the movie sells out. Then there's this weird sequence of scenes about her losing her leg, and not being able to move, and delves into questions of religion and assisted suicide. And all I wanted to do was eat my own head. This was the penis up the ass of the proverbial moviewatcher. A big, hard penis full of morality instead of veins and stuff.

This movie is awful. I give if F-.

cranked out at 3:34 PM | |

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