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Friday, August 26, 2005


Thank you:

Okay, the first thing we have to acknowledge is that the existence of Angelina Jolie has saved us all countless hours of our lives, if only because she definitively eliminates the need to debate the question: who is the sexiest woman alive? Or most beautiful, hottest, most alluring, what have you.

Sure, the Maxims and the Peoples and the VH1s will still carry on this now pointless argument, throwing out their Eva Longorias (what?), Jennifer Lopezes (who?) and Julia Robertses (yeah, right!), as though this topic were still open for discussion. But, really, case closed. Arguing for the supreme sexiness of Eva Longoria in the lifetime of Angelina Jolie is like being a vociferous creationist on the day that a particularly sharp monkey uses an abacus, writes a sonnet, and finally masters the nuances of written Latin. In other words, a tough position.

Because Angelina Jolie is not sexy, exactly; she's more like what an alien race might concoct from scratch, based on some half-garbled idea of earthly sexiness. But, being an alien race, and not really understanding the usual limitations of humanity, they go a little overboard: the lips, the curves, the smoldering glance. Like, nice try, alien race, but let's get real.

cranked out at 8:55 AM | |

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