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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Girlfriend Contract

(note: feel free to add to this)

On this, the __ day of _____, _______ the undersigned (herein “boyfriend” and/or “girlfriend” and/or “the couple”) agree to form a compact (herein “the relationship”) wherein each individual agrees to limit sexual congress strictly to one another. For the purposes of this agreement, ‘sexual congress’ will be interpreted to be any activity that falls under the definitions of US Code Title 42, Section 136 or the analogous activity enacted upon a male, or member of any species with definable sex characteristics, or the reciprocation of such acts.

THE COUPLE also agrees not to appear in public or private, at organized functions or any other venue, with another individual if the normative context of such an appearance would indicate a betrayal of this contract, within the commonsense understanding of each party.

A. Demeanor and Appearance
THE GIRLFRIEND agrees, for the duration of THE RELATIONSHIP, to continue to upkeep her appearance and maintain or begin certain behaviors. These include, but not limited to,
i. Weight - if at any juncture, the weight of THE GIRLFRIEND increases more than 10%, THE BOYFRIEND reserves the right to terminate this agreement without prior notice, and to recoup 50% of all culinary expenses accumulated during the course of THE RELATIONSHIP to that point. Surgical additions are exempt under this section.
ii. Public Behavior - THE GIRLFRIEND agrees not to act in such a way as to embarrass THE BOYFRIEND in public. This includes referring to any undersized appendages (treble damages will result from use of the term ‘Irish Curse’) and/or references to embarrassing incidents that may or may not have occurred under the influence of consciousness altering substances. In return, THE BOYFRIEND will be obliged to accompany THE GIRLFRIEND to a venue of her choosing every seven (7) days, or to plan and logistically execute such a venture at the request of THE GIRLFRIEND. THE BOYFRIEND will, finances permitting, fund said trips.
iii. Dress - THE GIRLFRIEND agrees to consistently wear clothing that is context appropriate, and not significantly out of style. THE GIRLFRIEND also must make a concerted effort to appear attractive, and will be absolutely prohibited from wearing sweat pants, unless actively engaged in a physical activity that would preclude donning a skirt of approximately twenty-four (24) inches.
iv. Sexual Activity - THE GIRLFRIEND agrees to induce orgasm in THE BOYFRIEND at a minimum rate of once per thirty-six (36) hour period, at the discretion of THE BOYFRIEND. THE BOYFRIEND agrees not to prohibit THE GIRLFRIEND from self-inducing orgasm, unless such induction would be in conflict with Section A, subsection ii. The time period may be extended if it would expire between one (1) o’clock Eastern Standard Time and ten (10) o’clock Eastern Standard Time during the National Football League (herein “NFL”)’s regular season, and may be waived entirely during the NFL playoffs.

B. Other Responsibilities

i. Holidays
a. Christmas - If either member of THE COUPLE is of a race, gender, nationality or religion that would prohibit them from celebrating Christmas, THE BOYFRIEND is not obligated to celebrate the unrecognized (herein “batty-ass heathen”) date or ceremony, either via financial contribution or participation. Any events that may arise from Christmas in specific, or the holiday season in general, that do not occur between 5:00 PM EST on December twenty-fourth (24th) and Noon EST on December twenty-fifth (25th) are to be attended strictly at the discretion of THE BOYFRIEND, unless such events are used as pursuant to Section A, Subsection ii. Any gifts exchanged must have an upper cost limit placed upon them no less than fifteen (15) days in advance of their physical exchange. Such a limit must be observed by THE BOYFRIEND, but do not necessarily have to be observed by THE GIRLFRIEND.
b. New Years Eve, St. Patrick’s Day, et al. - (herein ‘Drinking Holidays’) – These holidays will not be spent together. Moreover, THE GIRLFRIEND agrees not to lodge complaint regarding the consumption of alcohol, or any schedule one narcotic or hallucinogen. Any behavior arising from this consumption will also be proscribed from evidence in future arguments or justifications for action.
c. Birthdays - the period of time beginning at 12:01 AM EST on the day of birth for THE BOYFRIEND and spanning until 11:59 PM EST on the same date, shall be exempt from any responsibilities arising under this contract or any agreement within the context of THE RELATIONSHIP, explicit or implicit.
ii. Friends - Neither member of THE COUPLE is required to like any other acquaintance possessed by the other member. In any dispute arising between THE BOYFRIEND and an acquaintance of THE GIRLFRIEND, it shall be assumed that THE GIRLFRIEND will immediately side with THE BOYFRIEND. If she fails to do so, THE BOYFRIEND may, without penalty, defend his honor with any means necessary, including the use of whiffle bat(s) and/or spray paint.

C. Dissolution of this Agreement
i. Either party of THE RELATIONSHIP retains the right to dissolve this contract prior to the explicit expiration date, provided that the following requirements are observed:
a. The withdrawing party (herein “The Dumper”) is required to attempt to find a suitable replacement for fourteen (14) days following the dissolution of THE RELATIONSHIP. This requirement is waived if the nonwithdrawing party (herein “The Dumpee”) enters into another relationship.
b. THE DUMPER waives all right to property, physical or otherwise, that was jointly acquired during the course of the relationship, or property physically possessed by THE DUMPEE. THE DUMPER, however, must return all property unilaterally acquired by THE DUMPEE during, or prior to, THE RELATIONSHIP.
c. THE DUMPER agrees not to prohibit their acquaintances from sleeping with THE DUMPEE out of pity or mutual attraction.
d. THE DUMPER, at the discretion of THE DUMPEE, must participate in breakup sex with THE DUMPEE at a diminishing frequency for one (1) month after the dissolution of THE RELATIONSHIP. This requirement is waived if a replacement is found under Section C, Subsection i, or if THE DUMPEE engages in sexual congress with someone other than THE DUMPER.
e. THE DUMPER must, at the discretion of THE DUMPEE, put into writing the reasons for prematurely dissolving THE RELATIONSHIP, to be sent no more than forty-eight (48) hours following the dissolution.

Moreover, THE DUMPEE agrees to the following:
a. THE DUMPEE will not make phone calls, intoxicated or otherwise, to THE DUMPER unless THE DUMPEE has a clear and intelligible purpose for doing so. This EXCLUDES missing THE DUMPER or begging for sex.
b. THE DUMPEE will not attempt to prohibit THE DUMPER from dissolving THE RELATIONSHIP via either emotional appeal or threats.
c. THE DUMPEE will not cry in the presence of THE DUMPER, or ask rhetorical questions, such as “Why?” and “What did I do wrong?” If such queries are posed by THE DUMPEE, then THE DUMPEE must listen quietly as THE DUMPER enumerates the answers.

This agreement expires on ___ of __________, _________


cranked out at 3:52 PM | |

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