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Monday, January 30, 2006

Guide to Sex and Dating

Recently, I was reading "Heterosexual Male Weekly" [Cosmo], and found an article of highly questionable merit. It was called something like "Top 10 Things You Need To Know Before You Get Plastic Surgery," the unprinted subtitle being "Don't Get Plastic Surgery." The first nine reasons were misquotes of studies saying, in essence, you may not like the result, some people get depressed, plastic surgery might be a proxy for other things wrong in your life, you have to heal afterwards and you won't be perfect right away, and one item that may as well have been 'things may go wrong.' But the tenth item was the one that really caught my eye. It was "A Good Guy Won't Like It." Apart from the flowery crap about how he should like "you for you" (two pages after 'man without his shirt') they quoted a study that said that a majority of men would prefer if their life-partner or whatever be 'all natural.'

I found that very interesting, since, as a member of the Porn Generation of men, I would be significantly more likely to date someone who had implants just because they have implants. As with most statistics, the one Cosmo used is a dirty goddamn lie, even though I'm sure they are reporting what their survey found. The subtext here is "...assuming she looks the same." Because, sure, most guys would choose a non-surgical Tera Patrick over a surgical Tera Patrick. But at the end of the day, they're still choosing Tera Patrick over Little Debbie. God bless you if you can get a 34-28-34 measurement on your own, but in all likelihood, you can't.

So, since everyone is already pretty aware that I'm as superficial as they come, I decided to write my new dating book "why nobody loves you, and never will, until you stop eating those goddamn pancakes, fatty."

Deserted Island Theory
Basically, here's what you do. Next time you find yourself in an isolated grouping of people (airplanes work great for this), look around. Be as honest as you can with yourself, and rank everyone in the room, including yourself. Then, match up the corresponding males and females (removing the top 6 men, who are almost definitely gay, and the bottom 6 females, ditto.) If you were all stranded on an island, this is likely how the pairings would go. Now look at the person you would be matched up with. Is that the sort of person you want to repopulate the planet with? Really? Jeremy? You know, the guy with the jelly stain on his shirt? No? Then you need to improve yourself, or you will die old and lonely. Or young and lonely, after you take sixteen Xanax during a Sex and the City marathon.

One thing that seems to elude everyone is the seemingly obvious fact that dating is the best example of free market economics in the universe and if you are not a scarce resource, you're the Bauxite of the world and you can never hope to find anyone who will trade platinum for you. I have any number of female friends who spend a lot of time bemoaning the fact that they can't seem to find anyone who they can be with. The biggest problem is, they want someone who is way out of their league. Everyone wants someone that will "like me for me." The phrase "who I really am" makes frequent appearences. But guess what? There is no "who you really are" and when people say they want someone who likes them for "them," what they really mean is, I want someone who will like me even if I exhert no effort. Think about it. If you were dating someone and (s)he showed literally no effort towards changing their behavior, would you really like that person? "But," you might say, "I want them to change their behavior, not their identity." Well, you're kidding yourself and trying to sound less superficial. But again, this is one of those distinctions people make without recognizing the subtext which is: I don't want to seem superficial, but I really kind of am.

Intelligence can only be a detractor. Which is to say, someone who is stupid loses points. But someone who is smart does not gain points. You will never make someone want to see you naked because you managed to write a dissertation on molecular biology. The only "D" that matters is not in "PhD," it is in your bra. If you don't believe me, look at who rich and intelligent people tend to date: models. Not computer science PhD's. Save me the feminism lesson about how "bad" this is or how there are unrealistic expectations or about what "message" it sends to young girls. This is not to say that you shouldn't do these things for their own sake, or because of the financial rewards. Just that it's not a substitute if you want to find someone who will tie you up.

To recap: go to the gym, get surgery, and dress well. Your life will be perfect.

cranked out at 7:56 AM | |

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